Are You A People Pleaser?

February 8, 2018

For years, I was caught up in a cycle of saying yes to just about everyone’s request…and later regretting it. Although, from time to time, I still slip into the pattern of not wanting to disappoint others, overall, I am much more assertive about my own wants and needs.
There’s nothing wrong with helping people or doing nice things for others. I believe it should be an active part of our lives. In fact, I get the greatest joy when I can help friends and family.

However, there are people in the world who will take advantage of us if we don’t set boundaries. They are generally referred to as manipulators, controllers, users, and abusers.

When you have the disease to please, you are often afraid of being rejected. You are constantly doing what others want you to do, despite what you want to do. You will do anything “just to fit in” or to feel appreciated and loved.
A former colleague used to pride himself on being a people pleaser. He constantly took on volumes of work just to earn the accolades of being a “team player.” While others left the office at a reasonable time each night, Greg was always there until after 9:00 pm working on Lord knows what. Sometimes, that work was totally out of the scope of his job. He had simply promised someone he would get it done. All of Greg’s time revolved around taking care of other colleagues. He literally had no time for himself or his own family. One day I asked him, why do you always take on so much, and he responded, “I don’t know how to say no.”

“People-pleasers want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to keep it that way,” according to Susan Newman, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based social psychologist and author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It—And Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.

Sometimes we have to “just say no” to others and not worry about staying in favor with people that generally don’t care about us anyway. Here are a few things you can do to break free from people pleasing:
1. Take care of yourself first—Wanting to take care of others is not a bad thing, but you cannot do it at the expense of yourself.
2. Don’t let others take advantage of you—We teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept or reject from them.
3. Don’t overcommit—Don’t feel like you have to be doing something constantly. If you’ve had a stressful week and don’t feel like going out to dinner with friends, just say no.
4. Set a time limit—If you agree to help someone, let them know you are only available from 10 am – 12:00 pm, for example.

Just remember, there’s a people pleaser in all of us. Just don’t lose your own happiness by trying to please others too much!