Big Girls Don’t Cry at Work

September 7, 2017

Some people cry at the drop of a hat. 

It takes a lot for me to cry. However, some years ago, I almost broke down.  I happened to be presenting a global communications strategy at an executive committee meeting, and the head of the organization stopped me in my tracks and said, “Who told you to present this information?”   

I quickly responded, “Karen informed me of this request.”  Karen was on the executive committee and managed the board’s monthly agenda. 

To my surprise, in the middle of the meeting, he shouted, “If Karen told you to jump off a bridge, I guess you would do it.” 

“No, I would not,” I replied. 

People around the table laughed at his comment, but I failed to see any humor in humiliating me in front of a group of senior executives.    What was even more hurtful, was that my immediate boss who was scared to death of this particular leader joined in with the laughter.  I left the meeting angrier than a pit bull. After the meeting, I marched into my boss’s office and told him how I felt about the situation and expressed my disappointment in him not standing up for me.  

As much as I wanted to, I refused to let them see me cry. I went home that night still upset and embarrassed about the situation.  As I began to unfold the day’s events to my husband, I busted out into tears.  Like a typical guy response, he immediately went into fight mode and asked whether there was someone he needed to get straight at my office.  “No,” I replied, “I just need you to listen.” 

When it comes to crying at work, there are mixed reviews. More women than men say they’ve cried at work (41 percent compared to 9 percent, according to Anne Kreamer’s book “It’s Always Personal:  Navigating Emotion in the Workplace), and their feelings about it afterward are particularly fraught. Most agree, when you cry, you give away your power. 

There’s nothing wrong with speaking up and expressing your beliefs and emotions, just don’t do it with tears in your eyes. When you are in control of your emotions, you are communicating that you are in control and it gives you much more power at work.  Here are some recommendations, if you head down this emotional path: 

• Don’t let your emotions get the best of you at work 
• Tears should be very private  
• If you feel like you are on the verge of a tear-fest, run to the bathroom and do it in private 
• There are only a few times when crying is acceptable—death of a well-liked colleague or tears of joy   
• Call a friend; my girlfriends always have been my best therapists, and they are free! 

So what happened in my situation?  After confronting my boss, he went back to the leader and told him how I felt.  The leader requested a meeting with me.  In our discussion, he indicated that this was just his way of communicating, but never really apologized. Leader or not, I was not going to let him bully me. I told him that I didn’t appreciate being treated in a demeaning manner and would appreciate him not doing it again. From that point on, he treated me with the respect that I deserved.    

Have you ever faced an emotional situation at work that drove you to tears?  Let us know how you handled it.

“Don’t cry over someone who wouldn’t cry over you.”
Lauren Conrad